Saturday, February 7, 2015

ah, 6am, we meet again...

I have two rules for life. I don't talk about them, really, because people always seem to want to argue on what should be a very personal, self beneficial and therefore eminently respectable belief, but hey, this tiny, quiet corner of the internet is mine, so I can do what I want with it. Two simple rules: Never look forward to anything, ever. Expect the worst, and you will always be pleasantly satisfied with the mediocre. And never look back. If it's in the past, it can only hurt you if it can catch you. Keep moving. Let go.

It may be that this is a very negative gearing of the irksomely positive 'just live in the moment' that really offers no advice whatsoever. The moment is all we can live in, it's all there is. You can't NOT live in the moment. Okay, you can dwell on the past, or waste your time daydreaming about the future, but 'just live in the moment' doesn't offer any reason why you shouldn't indulge the alternatives. Sure, there's all that 'missing what's right in front of you' shit but that's not what I'm about. I still miss 70% of what's happening. I am not a very present person. But those two rules have always served me well. Don't get excited or you will be let down. I am aggressively nonchalant. I am so nonchalant I will fucking fight you about how much I don't care. And then probably burst into tears. A short list of things I have cared about is also an exactly the same length list of things I have been disappointed by. See: pretty much every birthday and christmas and now they're discussing having a going away party for me from work. No. Just, no. If it's an event I can control I can maybe muster the emotion "fckn keen as fck" but even that's risky. I'll probably still be let down, but at least I tempered my excitement somewhat by removing the vowels from my swears, to show I was only excited in a detached, ironic fashion. I am fkn keen for my Last Hurrah @ Charlegrark knowing full well I will probably end up with indigestion and crying. My expectations are suitably tempered. When that happens I will drown in quick-eze, not disappointment.

So yes, I am leaving. I am moving 500km to go study I course I don't know if I even want to do that has no real pathways into a career. Whatever man. We all die in the end anyway. But I'm doing that thing that I do, when there's change in my life. I am drifting out of existence. Not mine, but everyone else's. I stop posting much on facebook, stop interacting with people, stop telling people what I'm up to (lest I appear confident in my plans. Temper expectations always). I don't burn bridges, I just take some of the bricks and stash them just in case maybe I need them later, and then, surprise surprise, given time the bridge usually just collapses in time. Maybe the people on the other side of that bridge have some good structural engineers to hand, and they can maintain it even though it's missing some of it's materials, but usually, the stuff on either side changes differently because it's a lot harder to cross. And where once everyone on both sides used to be really into pineapple juice, after a while the people on one side decided they really liked apple juice, but the people on the other side got really into orange, and everyone feels kinda awkward about how into pineapple they used to be. So instead of sharing their love for their new juice, which they can't do because they both think their juice is way better, instead the only thing they have in common now is their quiet shame at having gotten a little too into pineapple juice way back then. The juice is of course all a metaphor, but a surprisingly apt one. My knowledge of a now-orange-juice-drinking-former-friend's secret pineapple history and quiet surety that apple is better will, I fear, make Adelaide difficult. When the past moves in one direction, you are not meant to follow it.