So I've been tossing up on whether to post this or not, but since I can't really be bothered writing an actual post, I may as well. This was written just before 11am today.
I just looked down and remembered I have a body, after having spent some time lost in thought. And then I thought to myself, oops, spent a bit of time existing entirely in my mind for a minute.
And now I'm thinking on how ridiculous that notion is. That I can even exist somewhere other than my mind. I've always thought that the body was basically a big handy method of carrying the brain around, and most of the time, my sense of myself doesn't extend past my neck. I, Sara Hosking, am a brain. A brain inside a person, a body, which is full of chemicals and hundreds of thousands of years of social conditioning and evolution to make me a person just like any other. But it's not something I really relate to. I may need to define myself in the physical sense when in the presence of others, but alone, I don't. I'm me, and I'm very internalised. I think a lot. I feel like, in a big picture sense, I get it. I can't define what it is, not yet anyway, but I get it. The whole sense of humanity, the universe, everything just seems to make sense when you come at it from the perspective as a teeny teeny piece. A part of the bigger whole, and, on a scale of the whole thing, pretty much indistinguishable from all the other teeny tiny pieces.
I wonder if atoms understand quantum? Obviously, what I'm doing here is anthropomorphising something that can't possibly experience intelligence as we define it, but really, the whole concept of anthromorphication is a silly one, since we had to declare human traits to be originally of humans before we could do it to other things.
I'm pretty sure that everyone, everywhere, is faking it. We're all brains in lumps of meat that will degrade and die eventually, and we spend our time pretending that we know what we're doing while secretly, in the quiet of the night, we shit ourselves with the fear that one day we may be found out.
Maybe if everyone knew that everyone else felt the same too we'd get on a bit better. Obviously there are those people who are so sure of their beliefs that they will hate and kill others for disagreeing with theirs, but I can’t help but think that those people just need to widen their reading a bit. Most of the great thoughts are out there already, just waiting to be taken on board and shaped to fit into whatever shape brain you are.
I wonder how much of our concept of ourselves is shape by others. I don’t mean in a sense of the people who raised you, but your sense of who you are, right now, in relation to the people in your immediate vicinity. Is there a big change between you alone at rest and you at rest in the company of others also at rest? Do you let their opinions of you have bearing upon your sense of self, or do you feel secure enough in yourself to let it sweep over and around you? I feel like I’m getting very close to the second, but is that always a good thing? What if what they’re experiencing is worry, and they’re trying to get through to see if you’re okay? Do you let their concern affect your mood, be it to cheer you up that they’re concerned, of piss you off if you feel that they’re trying to force you to get over it sooner than you want to? Should we let the opinions of even those you care about get to us, or should we remain true to ourselves in the moment we are in, be it a good one or a bad one?
I should point out that right now I’m in the back of a car that contains three people I’m still a bit cross with, and I’m wondering how much of my anger is body anger (chemicals affecting responses to a situation) or brain anger (me being cross with them for not being in the same emotional or intellectual headspace as me) – I think that what was the former last night is evolving into the latter. But since it’s a still a mix of the two, I’m a bit fucked. I’m caught between the near-visceral disappointment of what feels like an (admittedly slight) betrayal, and the ability to understand why it is they made their choices as well as a complete respect for their needs and reasons for making them. It’s a tough spot to be in. But since I’m not the one driving, it does at least leave me free to type out all the thought that would otherwise dissipate and be lost as soon as I turned the engine off.
Nonetheless, I’m considering coming up again in a couple of weeks time. But by myself. I’m still yet to find a better traveling companion.